My Wife Finally Loses It
Today we have all become prisoners of a corrupt economic system. Governments and central banks, like the Federal Reserve, have done the equivalent of locking us all in financial cages. To the best of my knowledge no one on the planet can rattle his cage more loudly than the funniest man in the economics/precious metals sector, this week’s contributing guest writer, the great Mogambo Guru. I hope you think he’s as funny as I do.
I could see where this was going, which was my wife grinding me into the ground, picking at me because of my many faults, real or imagined, usually about the damn kids. Usually some jibber-jabber along the lines of her sweetly saying “You know, dear, that the kids and I would love it if you _____ (insert one): paid attention to them, asked them how their stupid day went, stopped being such a jerk, remembered their stupid names, or all of the above.”
So I tried to change the subject from talking about her pet peeve, which is me, to my pet peeve, which is price inflation, the dreaded Deadly Thing That Destroys Economies, since it means that relatives will soon be knock, knock, knocking at my door, begging for a handout just because they are homeless and hungry, and who get really snotty when I tell them to either get lost or drop dead, depending on my mood.
I mean, if I don’t give cash to my own family who endlessly whine about needing to go to the doctor or the dentist or the grocery store, why in hell do they think I would give it to them and their grubby little brats?
Trying to lighten the mood, I delightfully and entertainingly went on about how the government lies to us about price inflation by adjusting actual price increases back down by using hedonic measures, meaning discounting the higher price to reflect some secret extra satisfaction you get from the product or service. For example, suppose a car costs twice as much as last year’s model, but it now comes equipped with fancy hubcaps. Abracadabra, the government reports that because you love those snazzy hubcaps so much that you are willing to pay as much for them as the price of the car itself, inflation in car prices is not 100%, but zero! Zero inflation in price! Zounds!
By this time I am really on a roll, and I am icing the conversational cake by relating that bit of degrading government dishonesty to the ugliness of inflationary reality as reflected in the Chapwood Index showing annual price inflation running at a blistering 10% (which, by the Rule of 72, means prices will double in 7.2 years).
Or, alternatively, you can adjust your Mogambo Inflate-O-Meter (MIOM) with the calculations at ShadowStats.com, showing that price inflation is running at 6%, meaning that prices will double in 12 years (=72/6).
The fancy math is rolling off my tongue like honey, and I foolishly thought that this impressive display of raw mental power by me, an aging but still-studly “hunka-hunka burning love”, would impress her so much that she says “Take me in your muscular arms, my irresistible manly Mogambo, my darling enemy of price inflation, with that wonderful 1,000-horsepower brain!”
I am also ready to wax philosophic at length about the evils of a central bank vastly expanding the money supply, which dictates much higher prices, which causes Junior Mogambo Rangers (JMRs) to gulp in dismay because (and I think I am on firm legal ground here), YOU CAN’T GET AWAY WITH THAT CRAP!
As an aside, to those unfamiliar with the phrase “gulping in dismay”, I seem to remember seeing it in a book, or a comic book, somewhere along the line.
Maybe Jughead! In the Archie comic book series starring the famous come-hither beauties, Betty and Veronica, I seem to remember Jughead gulped in dismay a lot. I don’t remember why, but I can almost see that Adam’s apple bobbing up and down and him saying “Gulp!”
Anyway, any idiot can see I am really on fire here. I expect her to gush “Thanks for the education and update about prices rising so alarmingly, you darling, wonderful man, which you so charmingly explained is caused by the damnable demons running the evil Federal Reserve creating so much cash and credit!”
Instead, her shoulders slump, and she kind of rolls her eyes and lets out that long, lingering sigh of weary resignation that I interpret as saying “Shut up! I’m fed up with your constantly insulting the Federal Reserve, no matter how much they deserve it. That’s all you ever talk about! That’s why the kids and I hate your guts and why they make your life a depressing hell to distract you while I put poison in your food!”
Naturally, I wonder where she was going with thus new train of thought. Then she says, with a voice suddenly cold and brittle, not to mention loud, “I know prices are going up! I know it! You want to know how much prices are going up? Huh? You want to know? Well, you take over paying the bills, like I do every month, and you’ll find out!”
I’m taken aback. I certainly don’t want to waste my valuable time paying the stupid bills. I mean, look how it affects her, for crying out loud!
Her voice rising to a shrill scream like a wounded banshee, she loudly goes on “The price of everything is going up! Everything!”
Then she bends down until she’s right in my face. We are nose-to-nose, so close she is getting little drops of spittle on my face that have a subtle, lip-smacking aroma of coffee and waffles, and I am thinking to myself “Waffles? We had waffles? I don’t remember any waffles! When did she get waffles?” when I am jolted back to reality as she exploded, hammering out every syllable “Ev! Er! Y! Thing! Everything is going up in price!”
With that, she abruptly leaves the room, probably to curl up into a fetal position on the bed, crying her eyes out, boo hoo hoo, whining that she wasted her life with a moron husband who thinks only of inflation and waffles, and how our marriage is a lonely, loveless lie and how she wishes she’d never been born, blah blah blah.
The kids gather around, wanting me to console her, but I explain “Screw that! I am pretty upset myself!” The reason is that I never got to my favorite part, which is that the Constitution of the United States mandates that money be only of silver and gold, which restricts the cancerous growth of the money supply and would have completely prevented all of this current, bankrupting economic mess in which we frantically flail about, drowning in an unfathomable ocean of debt, a veritable We’re Freaking Doomed (WFD) moment of story and song, where future generations will look back at us and say “Wow! What a bunch of morons! Why didn’t they pay attention to the story and song?”
In fact, even as we sit here chatting so enjoyably, the Federal Reserve is in the very process of destroying the country by destroying the currency by creating so freakishly much of it, trillions of dollars at a crack, which destroys the economy and destroys its people, and by extension, the whole freaking world, which deliberately acted in corrupt concert to behave so stupidly as to use central banks to create so, so, so, so stupefyingly much cash and credit that it eroded the buying power of everyone’s currency to – dare I say it? - literal crapola, resulting in higher prices, an angry populace, and well-deserved disgust and distrust of a tyrannical and brain-dead government to have allowed such a terrible thing, ignoring both story AND song.
These are the just desserts of a country having behaved so stupidly, so completely stupid, so staggeringly stupid, so unbelievably, exasperatingly, flabbergastingly stupid as to even try this crap, despite having been warned by the entire history of economics, Henry Hazlitt’s book “Economics In One Lesson”, Mises.org, a host of others including Mike Maloney at GoldSilver.com, but most recently and most memorably recapitulated in a paragraph above, I forget which one, that YOU CAN’T DO THAT CRAP!
Of course, merely buying gold and silver bullion is the time-honored way to protect yourself from the terrible effects of the destruction of your currency and your economy. It’s easy when you know how, and I’m telling you how. Right here. Right now. Like Yogi Berra said, “You can learn a lot just by reading.”
It’s so easy and so obviously correct that owning gold and silver will save your financial butt that you will find yourself happily buying gold and silver bullion without a second thought and saying “Whee! This investing stuff is easy!”
Send this article to a friend: