Welcome to the USSA
Mukund Sheorey

A proposal for a Welcome letter from the President to be sent to new immigrants...

Dear Immigrant:

Welcome to the USSA !

No, that is not a typo. Although we officially go by the name US of A, we really are the USSA - United States of Socialist America.

Let me explain.

First and foremost, while you are probably aware of most of the benefits of coming to America, let me highlight them nevertheless. America is the beacon of liberty to the whole world. You have no doubt heard of Emma Lazarus' immortal words enshrined on the pedestal of our Statue of Liberty, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free..."

And what does 'freedom' mean? It is the opportunity to make a lot of money. We like to think that we have an economic system, 'free market capitalism', that is 'the best path to prosperity.' In our society, you can make more money in more ways than you can anywhere else in the world. Here you can make beaucoup bucks 'flipping' real estate, companies, and stocks. If you somehow attain an 'executive leadership' position in one of our companies, you will be compensated so handsomely that Croesus himself will blush with envy. And, these Croesus-like riches are yours in good times and bad - whether or not your company does well, you will. Of course, if you land a job on Wall Street then your pay will literally know no bounds. I mean, where else in the world can twenty-somethings take home million dollar paychecks? And that's not all. If you go into public service, then our lobbyists will shower you with millions of dollars worth of 'experiences' (cash bribes, unfortunately, are mostly illegal) in order to get you to lend a sympathetic ear to their 'just causes'.

Indeed, when it comes to the opportunity to get rich quick, we are the undisputed champion of the world. Why else do you think we have 12 to 20 million illegal immigrants in our country? (We don't know exactly how many and we don't care. If everyone is making money, where's the problem?)

I know what most of you are thinking at this point. You are thinking I am focusing wholly on what in America we call the 'upside'. Is there no 'downside'? You may have heard that despite all the avenues to instant riches, we have a certain 'rough and tough' philosophy ... that we believe in 'raw' capitalism, where 'winner takes all', 'the devil takes the hind most', and a 'rugged, self-reliant individualism' prevails. In other words, you are worried about what happens if, through no fault of your own of course, you are dealt a losing hand in the rough and tumble of American Style Capitalism. Will you be thrown to the wolves? I, the 'Decider-in-Chief' of the Government of America, am here to unequivocally reassure you that nothing can be farther from the truth. No matter what your position is in our society, we guarantee a 'safety net'. The preamble to our Constitution says, in part, "In order to .... promote the general Welfare ...do ordain and establish this Constitution". And we take that 'Welfare' part seriously, just like "...the right of the people to keep and Bear Arms".

In our country, whether you are rich or poor, if you fall, it will feel like falling on goose-down pillows. Now some of you may think I am making empty promises - that this letter was concocted by one of my White House spin-meisters. While that is true, it is definitely not all spin. I will now provide you with compelling evidence that we are far better socialists than most people in the world who claim that label.

1. If you are unfortunate enough not to have a job, we have a comprehensive welfare system to ensure that you have adequate food, clothing, and shelter for you and your family.

2. If you had a job and lost it, no problem - we have unemployment insurance to bridge the gap ... for six months at least, and often extended to a year.

3. If your income is modest, you pay no income tax. You will be happy to know that millions of so-called 'American tax payers' pay no income tax.

4. If you have no health insurance and get sick, no problem - just go the emergency room of your nearest hospital and you will get free treatment. And that's if, for some reason, you can't get Medicaid benefits. Also, you should know that in the very near future everyone in America will be guaranteed health care ... just like we do today for our senior citizens through our Medicare program.

5. If you want a car and have not saved any money, no problem. Our world-leading finance companies will only be too happy to give you a 'zero-down' loan that you can pay off at your leisure over 6 or 7 years. And, if you have not established a credit history (no credit), or stiffed lenders in the past (bad credit), as our financial innovation geniuses put it, 'No Problem'.

6. Now you may have heard that college education, the ticket to a high-paying job, is expensive in America. While that is true, our Government is there to assist you with low cost loans that you don't have to start repaying for years.

7. When it comes to homeownership, the 'American Dream', which I am seeking to make a fundamental right by amending our Constitution, our Government's largesse is literally limitless.

Firstly, you can deduct from your taxable income any interest you pay on loans secured by your residence. So Uncle Sam subsidizes your housing costs by cutting your taxes. But that's not all. Let me explain. As an American consumer you have many, many Rights ... rights conferred by our constitution and added on relentlessly by our free-spending Congress. But you have only one Duty - and that is to Spend, Spend, Spend. If you don't have 'adequate' income, no problem. Our world-class financing system is there to help you to Borrow, Borrow, Borrow so that you can Spend, Spend, Spend. Given you solemn duty to do so, in due time, you will find yourself 'needing' to buy, for example, a big, flat-screen TV or the latest BMW.

Let the absence of savings not deter you from this noble impulse. We, Uncle Sam, fully support you in the fulfillment of your legitimate desires. We agree that life is not worth living without the latest HDTV or BMW. And we put our money (actually, the taxpayers') where our mouth is. How? Simply do a cash-out refinance of your home loan or get a home equity line or loan to pay for it (the interest rate is very low, and all interest is tax deductible, of course). And Voila! Uncle Sam is now subsidizing your TV or car. Is America a great country or what?

And this is not even the half of it. Over the last ten years, American homeowners' wealth went up by 10 Trillion Dollars. That's right, that's Trillion with a T. And how did we do it? It's simple ... we provided cheap loans to anyone who could 'fog a mirror' and enterprising Americans did the rest! Yes, things are a little dicey right now as wealth creation has become somewhat 'volatile' and it seems that lenders are over-reacting to losses by requiring that borrowers demonstrate more than the ability to 'fog a mirror'. But don't worry mon ami, our Government is on top of the problem. We will lend money to homeowners that no private lender will lend to. And I have asked our Fed head to 'fire up' his printing presses, helicopters, or anything else he can dream of firing up, to make sure that when it comes to free money, 'No American is Left Behind'.

8. Last, but clearly not the least, I want to assure you that, even if you rise to the pinnacle of the economic heap, we will not forget you in your hour of need. What is the ultimate achievement in our meritocratic society? It is to become a Wall Street Investment Banker or a Hedge/Private Equity Fund Manager. As, I have pointed out previously, these Masters of the Universe make so much money as to make Croesus flush with envy. And yet, when I hear their plaintive cries for help in the darkness of night, I respond. And this has nothing to do with campaign contributions. They deserve our help just as much as the poorest of our people. After all, they are Americans too, just like the rest of us.

I rest my case.

The Evil Empire, the USSR, whom we defeated in the Cold War and thereby 'Ended History', was socialist in name only. We are the true Socialists. Karl Marx, were he alive today, would have been proud of us.

Four score less two years ago, our forbears began experiencing an economic calamity which later became known as the Great Depression. The American people suffered greatly as the GDP shrank by a third and a fourth of the work force was unemployed. Over the years, many learned scholars have debated the causes of that great cataclysm. In fact our current Fed head is an expert on that subject (Thank God for that - now we can be sure we will avoid that blight!). But I think the intellectuals make things too complicated. As you know, I am a simple man with a simple mind. All these explanations about faulty monetary and fiscal policies are way too complicated for me. The cause was simple - people were not shopping enough. The President at that time declared, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself." I would put it slightly differently. "We have nothing to fear but the fear of shopping." Now some people might argue with me and say, "But Mr. President, people did not have the money to shop." And my answer would be, "It is the job of the Government to provide the money." It is for this reason that I have asked my Treasury Secretary to mail $ 168 billion of free money this spring to the American People.

After 911, when patriotic Americans asked me what they can do to help, I told them to go shopping. Today, even though our nation, and economy, is fundamentally strong, we face some short-term volatility. In order to quickly restore our great nation to the path of strong growth, I have the same advice for the American people that I gave after 911. Consistency, far from being the hobgoblin of little minds, is the hallmark of great Presidents. That, in addition to winning the war on global terrorism and spreading democracy, is my legacy to the American People.

So go forth and Shop. And that's an order from your new Commander in Chief!

Once again, it is my distinct honor and privilege to welcome you to the United States of Socialist America.

Mukund Sheorey is president of Modelytics Inc., a Customer Value Management services company.

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