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The Federal Reserve promises free money forever
The following story was processed on a computer that may contain traces of salty tree nuts and even a little truth. The U.S. Federal Reserve Bank announced last week that it would make money available for free forever. This was in response to a persistently weak economy and a desire by fed board members to be asked back to the annual JP Merganser Chaste Bank costume ball. "Free is a good word," said Federal Reserve Bank president, Ben Bankster, commenting of the Fed's action. "Everybody likes free stuff." JP Merganser Chaste president J. Me Diamondback agreed. "We get all kinds of free stuff from the Fed, and we really like it," he said. "And, the board of governors of the Fed should definitely be checking their mailboxes for invitations to our annual costume ball." Some critics pointed out that JP Merganser Chaste and other banks are not using the free money for lending which would help spur economic activity. "Not true," replied Diamondback. "We're showing our appreciation for all this free money by lending it back to the Fed to earn interest and lending it to the federal government which has been so nice to us. How patriotic is that?" Other critics complained that the free money is only available to banks. "We're not against free money," said Kendra Truth, executive director of the People's Cooperative Association. "We just think everyone should get some. I mean think about how we could stimulate the economy if people had the interest rate on their credit cards and mortgages reduced to zero." "Zowie," said Diamondback responding to Truth. "How would banks like JP Merganser Chaste make any money? I've got eight houses, three yachts and two thoroughbred racing horses to make payments on. And, pity the poor janitors at our banks who'll have to take a wage cut in order for me to continue to make those payments." In fact, Truth has been advocating making the Federal Reserve a people's bank that would allow average citizens to get in on the same free stuff that is currently reserved only for bankers. So far, Congress has been cool to the idea. "We think the Federal Reserve needs to retain independence in order to continue its excellent work of steering the economy toward a recovery," said Congressman Red Uptown of Minnesota. "It's impressive how the Fed has coordinated with the country's major banks to bring about a rebound in the financial markets. Any day now all that prosperity is going to hit main street which will prove that the system works." But some have worried that what the Fed is doing is pushing energy prices higher which might bring down the economy again. When asked about the relationship between energy and interest rate policy, Fed President Bankster responded, "Sometimes I get a little lightheaded just thinking about all the money we're giving away. That's usually in the afternoon. But then I have an energy drink and I'm good for the rest of the day." Alan Oldman, president of Retired Persons of America, also criticized the free money policy because it means no interest income for retirees and others on fixed incomes. "Hey, banks used to have to pay interest on savings. Now, because of Ben Bankster's free money forever policy, they'll never have to pay again. But all of us who've worked hard and saved still have to buy our groceries." Bankster said there is a bright side to earning no interest income. "All you have to remember is one number: zero. It's easy," he said. "And, everyone can just put down the same number on their tax returns. Now you see how free money forever benefits all of us." Diamondback agrees. "We like paying old people no interest on their savings," he said. "Hell, we don't even have to send them tax statements because they don't make any money off us. That's just one way we're trying to be more efficient. You can't stand in the way of progress." |
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